I’ve been rolling around in bed moaning all night and not for the best reason you might expect. I’m sick again. Luckily it’s a relatively quiet time for me, yet it seems like the latter part of 2017 has seen me laid out on my back more often than a White House intern. Unlike her though, I’m not paid for it. So I’m eating a clove of garlic an hour and trying to rest this off. It’s inconvenient, but what can you do? Ms. Lisowski – my landlady upstairs – also slipped an invite under the door for a Christmas sherry this morning, which I plan to partake in as soon as I can get my ailing body going again.
I’ve been spending recuperation time working on my Christmas gift list. Some gifts still need to be purchased, but I thought I’d share with you my progress so far, just in case you’re needing some inspiration.
For Milton, the dog: A Hot Doll (the blow up doll for dogs)
$200 from Hotdoll.fr. Given Milton’s propensity for indulging his bestial lust on anything in range (like some men I’ve known), I figured I would push the boat out and send one of these puppies to Mother’s. Yes, yes, I know it’s expensive, but the thought of Mother’s reaction to this when she has the neighbors round is priceless. Besides, Bertie’s ankles could probably do with a break from Milton’s teeth. I’m charitable. Sometimes you’ve got to accept an old dog is an old dog, and allow it its nature. And Milton should enjoy it too.
Mother: Sherry. Mother doesn’t really want anything else from me. Except prodigy. And she’s out of luck on that score this year, at least.
Bertie: Brass balls keyring. $7.99 You can get it here.
As Mother has his, I felt I’d be charitable and give him a pair.
Paulo: Male tears mug $9.27 – Get it here.
As my dear poet’s girlfriend is keeping him gainfully occupied right now, I will give him this to collect any spare tears until he comes over again.
Marcus: A cast of Paulo’s cock. Paulo did an art exhibition on sexuality a while back and gave me this bright red plaster mache cast of his member. No idea why he thought it would interest me. In the spirit of re-gifting, I’ll be delivering this to Marcus the next time I see him, so he can relive the humiliation of his lesson on The Chariot every time he sees it.
Ember: “Bend over oil” and a black male candle. This potent voodoo formula and its candle counterpart allows for magical manipulation of the less intelligent sex, when words fall on deaf ears. I do hope she has fun with it. I also got her a shock probe for when magic comes slow.
Morgana: “Hey Little Ant” by Phillip Hoose. A story about why we do not tread on ants. It’s six months til summer and hopefully I can spare another ant genocide by her patent heels. Also a new Ken doll, as the head came off of hers a while back, and it’s hard to secure binds around just a stump. I mean, I do it a lot, but for a five year old, without that kind of manual dexterity…
And of course, I always have a few Amazon Gift Cards available, just in case I forget anyone. You’ll hear from me soon.
Until the next time.
Mistress Katia Thornwood.